I've written about the word 'should' before. You may even think that would make me immune to its charms, but apparently not!
I had the idea to create monthly letters to share with people through email. It felt exciting as all my thoughts do when they feel like they come from a moment of inspiration. Creating - I love that. Writing - I love that too. Talking to people and maybe helping them take a moment to think - I really love that.
Then I started to think of the 'monthly' aspect. Did that mean I would have to do it every month? Hmmm... yes of course it would. Then it quickly started to feel like a should. Like I was instantly predicting feeling like I had to do it. Another task on my list of things to do. This, not being an unfamiliar feeling from my life experience, was very easy to fall into, and not enjoyable at all. I envisaged having to force myself.
Given I have spent years in creating the life I want, a life I genuinely love, this was obviously not appealing. And I hadn't even moved from my chair. It was remarkable really, how quickly it went from joy and desire to pulling away in... rebellion? Ha it felt like it. That feeling of knowing you should do something but you don't want to because it's expected. And this was all in my own head. My own decision and choice. So, I was rebelling against myself?!!
So I thought perhaps it was quite an apt thing to share with you for this first letter.
How does something we genuinely want to do become something we resist the moment we decide we should do it?
Looking back it isn't the first time this has happened to me. I'm hoping that I am normal-ish enough that it isn't just a 'me' thing and you may be able to relate.
So, an idea begins with enthusiasm. It excites us. Maybe something we are curious about, interested in, or simply fancy trying. Nobody's making us do it. Then we decide to make it a regular thing. We may set a goal, create a plan, put reminders in our diaries (I didn't even get this far on this occasion!). All very sensible and responsible.
Then something happens somewhere along the way. I'd love to do this becomes I really should do this. Often without us noticing. And then it feels different. Nothing about the thing or activity has changed, but our relationship with it has. What felt like a choice from freedom now just feels like another obligation.
Resistance creeps in (or sometimes cascades in - in my case!). This can lead to procrastination and allowing ourselves to get distracted - meaning we find ourselves doing absolutely anything else and even the jobs we have been avoiding suddenly seem quite appealing (fridge clean anyone?!).
Then we have a perfectly reasonable explanation about having been too busy. This can be true but perhaps not the whole story.
And this is where there is something interesting about autonomy. We can resist expectations even when we are the ones who created them. It is not just when they come from other people.
Perhaps there's another layer too... when something matters to us we start attaching expectations about doing it well, being consistent or making it successful. As I write, I remember the first time this happened to me - I was a young teenager and wanted to write in a diary. I remember the onslaught of guilt I felt when I led down to go to sleep when it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't written in it that day.
So what happens if we take the 'should' away? I mean the activity or thing was our choice in the first place and it was our brains that turned it into a should... What if we choose not to abandon the idea, but give ourselves permission to approach it with curiosity rather than obligation?
Well, I am writing this, so in my case, curiosity helped.
What about you?
Is there something in your life you genuinely wanted to do, until it became something you felt you should do?
And what might happen if you allowed yourself to want to do it again?
