Is it your thought or a thought you have adopted from someone or somewhere else?
We can pick up certain thinking from our roles, others expectations, or just out of habit. Reflecting on whether it is your thought, and whether it is useful or one that you simply don't normally question can be the start of increased understanding of our needs or values, or of our disconnection and exhaustion.
Some questions that may be helpful to ask yourself:
1. Where did I learn this?
Did someone tell you or teach you this? For example did someone reward you (or respond favourably) for behaving in a certain way?
2. Have I actaully questioned it?
Or is it something you just accepted as true?
3. What happens when I imagine not following that thought?
Do you experience guilt, anxiety, fear of judgement or a sense that you are doing something wrong?
4. Would I still think this if nobody else knew what I chose?
This helps reveal whether the thought is connected to approval, reputation, or expectations.
5. Knowing what I know now, would I choose this thought again?
Even if it is inhertied, adopted, or learnt, we can choose to think another thought. It may be something that was once genuinely useful, but it may no longer be of aid or guidance. So with that awareness we get insight and a choice. We can carry on as we were, or we can choose something different that fits who we are now, and where we are in our life.
Is this something I still want to think, or simply something I've thought for so long that I've stopped noticing that it's a choice to think that or something else?
It can be so automatic that we don't notice the habitual nature of it or that we have any say in the matter.
Some things to help you hear yourself, as you are now:
1. Notice what happens before the explanation arrives.
So for example, when someone asks you what you think, notice the initial response - this may so quick it can be habitual, or it can come with a flurry of reasons for why you 'should' want that.
2. Notice what you are repeatedly trying to talk yourself into.
"I should be happy with this"; "I ought to enjoy this"; "I've worked so hard to get here". Noticing how much effort it takes to convince ourselves may help to point to something not being quite right.
3. Notice if and when you feel it less necessary to manage yourself or fit in.
Are there people, places or activites where you don't constantly feel like you are monitoring what you say, how you're perceived or assessing whether you are meeting expectations? What becomes easier to express in those circumstances?
4. Separate wanting something from giving yourself permission to want it.
Most people when they say they don't know what they want, actually just don't know if they are allowed to want it, whether it's reasonable, or what it would mean for other people.
5. Notice what remains important to you when approval is taken out of the question.
If nobody knew what you did, no-one praised you or criticised you, no one felt disappointed by your choice, what would still matter to you?
For many capable people, the problem may not be that their own thougths, preferences and feelings have disappeared. Instead when they notice they are exhausted, they tell themselves they shouldn't be. When they notice they are not satisfied, they remind themselves how lucky they are. When they notice they want something different, they then immediately list all the reasons they can't or shouldn't.
So for those that found this useful or interesting, here are two final reflective questions as food for thought:
- What do I already know about myself that I keep talking myself out of knowing?
- What might I notice about myself if I didnt immediately need to justify it, change anything, or act on it?
