There’s a particular kind of language that rarely gets questioned.
- "I should."
- "I have to."
- "I need to."
It sounds responsible and sensible. Even admirable. And most of the time, it works. It keeps things moving. Keeps life steady. Keeps you aligned with what’s expected - by others, and by yourself. But over time, something begins to shift. Not dramatically. More quietly than that. A hesitation where there wasn’t one before. A sense that you’re moving through things… but not entirely in them. A slight resistance to things that once felt straightforward. Nothing obvious is wrong. And yet, something doesn’t quite sit.
The difficulty with “should” is not that it’s inherently problematic. It’s that it accumulates. Layer by layer, it begins to shape a life that is coherent on the outside, but increasingly disconnected on the inside. Decisions become guided less by preference or instinct, and more by what feels correct. Appropriate. Expected. And because it all sounds so reasonable, it’s hard to challenge. You tell yourself it makes sense. That this is what adulthood looks like. That this is what being capable requires. And so you continue.
At some point though something more internal begins to register. A thought that doesn’t fully form, but doesn’t go away either. A quiet sense that something is off—without being able to say exactly what. And then, almost immediately, the response:
"I shouldn’t feel like this."
It lands quickly; automatically. As if it’s there to correct something. And in doing so, it closes the space. Because if you shouldn’t feel this way… there’s nothing to explore, nothing to understand ... so you carry on.
From the outside, very little changes. But internally, something subtle begins to happen. The more often“should” leads, the quieter your own voice becomes. Not gone. Just less immediate and slightly less trusted.
So when decisions arise, it becomes easier to look outward. What makes sense? What keeps things smooth? And again - it works. For a while.
But over time, the distance between what you’re doing and what actually feels right begins to
widen.
What’s rarely acknowledged is that “should” doesn’t just guide behaviour. It can also silence awareness. It keeps things contained. Managed. Presentable. But in doing so, it can prevent the very signals that might point to something needing attention from being fully heard. Because those signals rarely arrive fully formed. They begin as something much less clear. A hesitation. A question without words. A sense of knowing that isn’t yet articulate.
And if the response to that is immediate correction "this doesn’t make sense, I shouldn’t feel this way" then that signal doesn’t get the space it needs to take shape.
There’s no dramatic moment where this becomes obvious. No clear line where things shift from aligned to misaligned. Just a growing sense that something isn’t quite landing as it used to and the usual way of navigating - through logic, effort, or pushing forward - doesn’t quite resolve it.
Not because something is wrong. But because something hasn’t yet been listened to.
If you're beginning to notice this for yourself and you’re curious about how to begin listening to this more clearly, you can explore more about my approach here.
