I don't mean fabric patterns obviously. I mean patterns that we have played out repeatedly throughout our life. Usually part of the roles we play and in particular those when we are feeling tired or not ourselves, such as during transition periods. Because that's when the circumstances are more likely to bypass new understanding and rely on old habitual identification of patterns and their subsequent behaviour and responses. Very similar in 'cause and effect' to phobias, these can show up in everyday life such as people-pleasing, burying our heads in the sand, or forcing ourselves to keep going when everything in us is telling us not to. They are the easy well worn patterns of behaviours we fall back onto.
Now there is nothing wrong with this in some respect. I mean, the brain is doing its job and keeping us alive and functioning. The patterns have worked well in the past so why not repeat as necessary? So obvious thanks goes to my brain. Much appreciated. However some patterns we have outgrown or know better now, and they just aren't the most helpful or useful responses to whatever is happening. Sometimes it is just when we start to over-rely on them, because we don't know what else to do, or we have no energy for anything else. It's not the pattern that is necessarily the issue, not when we choose them consciously and proactively as the best response, that they can become problematic.
Firstly we need to remind ourselves that all circumstance is neutral. Also that no-one can make us feel anything without our choosing. Albeit when tired, overwhelmed, and the back-up patterns get activated it can be hard to remember this. Also, one of my particular patterns leads me to believe I have the awesome superhuman ability to create or control how someone else is feeling. So I get upset/frustrated/pee'd off because they feel upset/unappreciated/slighted and I decide to believe that 'I did that'. Whereas I (the fully rested and aware part of me) knows better. In fact, however they respond is exactly right - for them.
It is their decision and they make that choice for themselves and how they see the world and their circumstances. They could see it in a different way if they wanted but that's not within my power to make them. I can hold a preference for them to choose again, from a place of love, but I cannot do it for them. And anyhow, with all this going on I have enough to focus on with my own responses - the ones I am responsible for.
The good news is, we can change these automatic habitual behaviour patterns if we want to. But first we need to spot them, understand what use they have been and why, and then once we are tuned in to ourselves again we can start mindfully choosing our responses. Unhelpful patterns of behaviour show up a lot in transition periods, so this is why my Reground & Rebuild programme is set out in the way it is - Reground, Separate, Rebuild, and then Integrate.
Some popular transition thinking patterns:
- I'm sure I'll be happy when...
- It will all pass, I just need to stop thinking about it
- It's my job to fix them/it
- I need to keep going or else...
