Failure. Now there’s a word that can instigate strong emotions. Now, rather than argue why people in transition are not in any way 'failures', I am instead going to look at what we call failure for what it can bring.
Currently the fail I am waiting for is a good one, I’m strength training with the Stronglifts app (highly recommend) and as such when I start to fail I know that’s when I will start to grow much more in strength.
However had you mentioned failing when I was, say, doing my MSc dissertation, then that would have had an absolutely different impact on me. After 8 months of methodologically searching and reading over 100 medical articles to create an evidence based mechanism picture and write 15,000 words, I did not want to
fail. In fact I couldn’t even bear the thought of that possibility. (Ironically perhaps, it was on anxiety...)
And that was just the future possibility of failing...
An example of actually living failing, might be that time I experienced the apparent inability to pick up the correct file I needed for court that morning so found myself going in to face the magistrates feeling blind (and berating myself). Alternatively, how, when I failed to accurately predict that the district judge would feel a need to send my client to prison, this led to the attempted self-soothing activity of spending too much money on new suits.
Thinking back, my first ever (remembered) experience of failure was that stomach dropping moment when I realised I had lost my purse with my holiday spending money (a total of £5 in shiny 20 pences). I was so upset. I told myself that I had let my parents down, my grandparents (who gave me the money), my younger siblings, and myself - as I knew that meant I couldn't be trusted with anything ever again... okay yes I was like 8 or something but that feeling... ohhh it is not nice and it doesnt get any nicer as you get older. The next one I remember is failing a test. Now, I was 17/18years old and tests thus far had been easy and I always did well, passing wasn't really an issue. So the feeling of returning home after failing my driving test for the second time was awful. The thoughts that I clearly wasn't meant to do it, that I didn't want to do it again, that I didnt want anyone to find out...
It's funny how those teenage thoughts and the 8 year old ones are pretty much the same as the ones most of us have as fully fledged adults... like the thinking doesn't grow up...
I did take my test again but swapped driving instructor for the mandatory lesson prior to the test itself due to realising (once I had let the beat-me-up thinking go) that I needed to change something and worked out what it might be. I then passed easily and actually enjoyed chatting to the assessing instructor whilst doing so!
I spoke with someone a while ago who had their flat application fail the day before they and their young son were due to move. Stress, frustration, panic and anxiety followed. Thereafter they widened their frame- they looked outside the box they had set their sights on and in fact ended up in a much bigger and nicer apartment.
Someone else once mentioned (in passing, as if it was common thinking!) that after they failed they actually felt much better as the repercussions they had envisioned had not occurred. Which obviously reminded me that we aren’t actually all that good at predicting the future.
There is also that saying, 'no failure only feedback'. Yes. But only if we can change our frame or perspective to leave the predictions/expectations behind and see the bigger picture to allow for what that 'failure' has made room for.
Sometimes it’s not immediately apparent due to the required shift in view. But then we will find that the
strength training theory is correct - failure allows massive growth through transition. Growth of experience, knowledge, and understanding, as well as mental, emotional, and physical resilience.
So, let's work this out...
Issue/Problem/Desire:
Something is wrong/I have failed/I wish I knew what to do
Mind worm:
I should've realised that something wasn't right and done something to avoid it. What is wrong with me?!
Past stories:
I know better than to focus on myself. I have to be there for others, and make sure they are okay. I have a job to do. My parents always said that life isn't easy. Keep my mouth shut, focus on the positive, and be grateful - that's what you should do.
Mind reading:
Everyone must know. I bet they have spotted something isn't right. And if not yet, they will do soon. Oh they will think I am going crazy. I have such a good life/job. I will be forever used as an example of what not to do.
Predicting the future:
Well this isn't going to go away. It has to! I need to carry on, keep doing what I am doing. I want to hide away and stay safe but people will notice and that doesn't fix anything anyway.
What if they fire me?! What if I am used as the next example case study in the L&D workshops? What
if my mum/dad/partner finds out - they'll realise how much of a failure I am.
First, lets subtract the shit:
So usually the reason we move into a transition or growth 'stretchy' bit in the first place is because something unbeknown to us (initially at least) prompted us to move out of our comfort zone. It could be a hearts desire or a vision, something exciting, something that spiked your ambition and drive (consciously or not). Or it could be that the comfort zone has just reached your capacity for repetition and now it is eye-scratch-out-ingly boring and unfulfilling.
The stretchy transition bit is all about feedback and learning (hence why its stretchy 'cos it makes us grow). The longer we deny we are in transition the more chance we have of believing we have screwed up, alongside potentially more general feelings of failure. So, just for a moment or two, let go of the shit thoughts (you won't need me to tell you which ones I mean, they are the ones that make you feel awful) and give yourself a breather from them.
If indeed you feel like you have screwed up, this quote from Jen Sincero's book* may help with perspective here:
“You have screwed up in the past. You will screw up again. Every human is born with the ability to make spectacular mistakes. You are not alone, screwing up is not your special skill. Get over it.”
:0)
Magic wand time:
Now you have a slightly clearer head, think about why you did the thing you did. What did you want to achieve? What would that have got for you? If you struggle, use the magic wand and consider:
If you could control the outcome in its entirety what would that ultimate outcome be? What would that give you?
Now this can be anything from 'more sleep' and 'less energy expenditure' to 'find out what I want' and 'be more me' .
Experiment :
So now you have your 'why', look back at any 'screw up' and consider it objectively, like it was someone elses life or you are a fly on the wall. What do you see in it that you would wish that person to recognise as learning to take forward? Would it be a slight tweak in the system or a whole new perspective which is now more aligned with the 'why' goal?
If the learning or new perspective leads you to wonder how coaching could support your exploration and transition with less (self-defined) 'screw ups', have a look at my webpage on Identity and Transitions or get in touch with me at coaching@rachelgarnett.com or via Whatsapp 07786 861086 to arrange a free conversation.
*In case you are interested in reading Jen Sincero's book it is called "You are a Badass". I got it from Amazon. It has at its core widely respected personal development foundations and her writing style, humour, and up-front-ness (if that’s even a word) make the book easy to read, the messages very easy to understand, and the advice then easier to take on board.
